| Author | Message | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 170 Registered: 05-2005 |
revision They prattle behind my back fence. The raven is my sun-shadow, I dangle from its open beak—tinfoil lace for its hoard. Under fowl feet , my candle-shadow lies with my moon-shadow. They copulate in rhythm with dark flame. From many poles, my streetlight-shadows coil around my feet as petals. Some short and black, others stretched and gray as if obscurity is allotted and finite. They all talk at once and shiver. I can’t understand any of them. My telephone-shadow argues with my storm-shadow, My sunset is purple, my sunrise and my rain are ones I’ve never seen. These voices are notes from a collection of holes, I walk guitar wires--my head in the acoustic cave, my feet on prison bars that have no shadows, find comfort among the silhouettes. When she bends over me, I hold the kiss long enough for each to have their turn. original They prattle behind my back fence. The raven is my sun-shadow, I dangle from its open beak—tinfoil lace for the hoard. Under the bird’s feet, my candle-shadow lies with my moon-shadow. They copulate in rhythm with the flame. From many poles, my streetlight-shadows coil around my feet as petals. Some short and black, others stretched and gray as if obscurity is allotted and finite. They all talk at once and shiver. I can’t understand any of them. My telephone-shadow argues with my wind-shadow, My sunset is purple, my sunrise and my rain are ones I’ve never seen. These voices are notes from a collection of holes, I walk guitar wires--my head in the acoustic cave, my feet on prison bars that have no shadows, find comfort among the silhouettes. When she bends over me, I hold the kiss long enough for each to have their turn. | ||
| Mudcat Miller
Member Username: mudcat Post Number: 59 Registered: 08-2005 |
Very beautiful and very clever shadowplay, Steve. Would like some explication of "tinfoil lace for the hoard." | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5436 Registered: 11-1998 |
I'm liking this one more and more every time I read it, steve. It's a concept I've never seen done with shadows, perhaps one of THE most used poetic concepts (right up there with stones, bones, rocks, and rivers *LOL*). I finally got the tinfoil lace for the hoard thing -- do I get a gold star? Hey, it took a lot of thought. Maybe that's why my brain hurts these days and my finger is turning black. Too much thinking. *smile* I might break the first two lines like this to get a twist: "They prattle behind my back fence. The raven is my sun-shadow, I dangle" My favorite line is this one: "as if obscurity is allotted and finite." Obscurity -- not an easy abstract to work with. In fact, obscurity might be the most obscure of them all. But you've taken an abstract and made it concrete. Lots to love in this poem, though I'm still not sure about telephone-shadow. That's a weird one! *grin* | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2606 Registered: 12-2003 |
Steve, the intensity of shadows. Well-done!  K | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1959 Registered: 08-2003 |
steve love this poem. Perhaps: Under the bird’s feet, my candle-shadow lies with my moon-shadow. They copulate in rhythm with the flame. From (streetlamps), [many poles], my [streetlight-]shadows coil around my feet as petals. Some short and black, others stretched and gray as if obscurity is allotted and finite. They all talk at once and shiver. I can’t understand any of them. Enjoyed this for reasons I can't explain. I suggest the rearrangement in L1 because too many shadow modifiers weigh down the concept. A definite favorite. E | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 180 Registered: 05-2005 |
hi all thx for the kind and helpful comments. i've posted a revision and incorporated some of the ideas here. as for the raven, perhaps a sideways reference to Poe, an 'obscure' reference if you will and the telephone shadow hmm, perhaps it works better paired with 'storm'? that old thing we used to hear from our parents about lightning climbing down the phone lines...(thx M) and yes E lots of shadows in this, i tried to dump some at the end so they wouldn't be so oppressive. i looked at your revision of that line but it still has a shadow in it, so not sure how it improves things. hmm. anyhow, thx much for reading folks s | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1974 Registered: 08-2003 |
Yes it was just the syntax of the line. I kept the shadow but put it at the end: "From streetlamps, my shadows coil" instead of: "streetlight-shadows coil." Know what I mean? I like your revisions. I would begin with "The raven..." but maybe just me.... E | ||
| seaandbell
Advanced Member Username: seaandbell Post Number: 261 Registered: 11-2003 |
this is my favorite that I have read here right now, very brilliant, plathauthentic and I can only say don't change a breath ..... | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 182 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi E yep i see your point about the raven but i wanted to start with the bunch of them gossiping along with each other... still thinking about that line LOL thx again for your efforts here. Hi sea thx so much for your kind words, greatly appreciated. s | ||
| Sis
Moderator Username: djclowes Post Number: 229 Registered: 11-1998 |
Hiya steve, I do love the play of shadows. I have spent many monents in time lost in their contemplation. This is my fav: "Under fowl feet , my candle-shadow lies with my moon-shadow. They copulate in rhythm with dark flame." This was not easy piece to write and I can feel the effort put forth. Nicely done. Wolf hugs Sis | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5197 Registered: 07-2001 |
many, many fine lines from the ravens to the kiss my feet on prison bars that have no shadows, find comfort among the silhouettes. When she bends over me, I hold the kiss long Well written. Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ |
